Within the next week, I will be able to share the surprise that has gleefully occupied much of my time over the past four weeks.
Until then, living in a co-op continues to be a source of merriment. Despite the very occasional drama, having a built-in family structure is wonderful and I have enjoyed channeling my inner Jewish mother by feeding whoever possible whenever I am cooking. Through this, the co-op has already made me a more sharing person because every time I cook, I try to see if anyone in the kitchen is hungry and plate out some of the food.
Last weekend I enrolled in an intensive acroyoga workshop and made the excellent decision to try the weekend as a base instead of a flyer. It’s amazing how empowering it can be to fly a 125 pound woman through the air, rotating her 360 degrees in vertical spins through Catherine’s Wheel.
There are also interesting power and gender dynamics at play in acroyoga as – from my limited perspective – the base does exert the majority of control. Much like a lead-follow relationship in dance or a dominant-submissive relationship in kink, it’s important to maintain respect and not let the power get to your head. Nevertheless, I do feel a more bro-like kinship with my fellow bases since switching roles, particularly since I am one of the few females learning to base washing machines (cyclical / repeating movements). I may be hooked on basing for some time.
Though the super-social nature of the co-op has been distracting, I am gearing up to launch one of my new projects in the coming month! I have continued to experience a project high that must equal any “upper” that someone might take when I get in the work groove, and I ride on that passion for hours. The Jewrotica site is officially still under wraps, but feel free to check out the beta version and spread the word once we launch in mid-October. :o)
Otherwise, adventures continue to abound! I have been exploring the greenbelt with friends, chanced upon a squatter’s camp, spotted wild frogs and lizards, attended a fall solstice party, marveled at a (free) cirque-de-soleil type show, co-hosted a Lord of The Rings house party at the co-op and scooted down to Festival Beach for tashlich with Yair.
The Bigger Picture
Over the past eight weeks, my mindset has been quite practical. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other and reconstructing my life piece by piece. I joined wonderful communities. I surrounded myself with wonderful friends. I began to incubate new projects. I took on a regular form of exercise through acroyoga. I continued to love and minister to others. And I allowed myself more slack than usual in adjusting to a new life.
Objectively, I created for myself a life of blessing with people and activities that “check off” all the requisite boxes. Rationally, I am spending my time quite well and have built for myself a glorious quality of life that integrates long-term projects with plenty of play and exploration time. Yet I feel somewhat unsettled and ungrounded. Over the holidays, I became highly aware of the seeming disconnect between my current life and my former life – my current self and my former self. I am one to take change at a slow pace and it seems as though – whether for good or bad – almost everything in my life has changed at an extraordinarily fast rate.
I have no doubt that soon a time will come when I will have created a world for myself post-separation that is more fitting than it was pre-separation. However, stability in life tends to provide a certain level of meaningfulness and grounded-ness. Though I know I am brave enough to create a new life for myself and embrace change, I am often finding myself craving the familiarity of a stable and structured life – perhaps the life I used to have and certainly one with fewer wild cards about what the future holds. We all like to delude ourselves into thinking we have some understanding of or control over the future, right?
I’m doing well and I’m feeling strong. I’m not harboring anger and I’m constructing a life of majesty. Yet despite all this, I still periodically feel as though I am somehow acting, living in a dream state, living a farce, not at peace with this version of my life. I think an irrational part of me still believes that this new life is really just a lovely dream that I will soon wake from and everything will be returned to normal – as a married woman, traveling with my life partner, with so many decisions already decided and the thrill and weight of individual choice partially removed.
I wonder how long it will take for this dream-like reality to become the “new normal”, and for me to feel fully awakened in it and adjusted to it?
posted by ayo