How not to run a five mile race

23 11 2012

My expert tips, based on my experience on Thursday*

  • Don’t train. Training is for wimps.
  • Make sure to not sleep much the night before. (Wo)man up.
  • Accidentally set your 7:30am alarm to “pm” so when you wake up at 8:10am you freak out a bit.
  • Eat two slices of pizza before the race starts. The number two is important.
  • Drink lots of coffee. (This one might actually be an okay idea.)
  • Because your hip decided to be a dick the other day, pop a few Advil.
  • Don the $14 Walmart sneakers that you purchased in July and have been wearing since. (I got mine after I left my nice sneakers drying on the roof of the RV… and then drove off.)

Run.

I don't like that they call those things bibs, but whatever

I don’t like that they call those things bibs, but whatever

I came in a very respectable 1,603rd in the race, finishing in 44:31, a hair under a 9-minute mile. Given my strict adherence to the rules above, I’m pretty happy with that. And I got to run on the highway. That kicked ass.

*You are about to read some Really Bad Advice. I suggest not taking any of it.

posted by yair

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