I’ve always had this extra energy about me, an additional life force of sorts. My brain and my being are wired to be blissfully happy and I tend to see the positive in almost any situation. That said, I haven’t felt my authentically-me high-on-life “puppy energy” for a number of months since the divorce/separation decision was made in June. I have particularly noticed its absence over the past two weeks – when a couple of key people in my life made decisions and took actions that burned me.
I am a firm believer in the mantra of “How people treat you is their karma – How you react is yours.” Nevertheless, earlier this month I found myself in a situation where I was determinedly trying to make lemonade, but my sugar was stolen over and over again, leaving me stuck with handfuls of plain old lemon juice. And I realized that there is a time and place – most times and places really – for positive thinking and empathy, but sometimes you just need a healthy dose of eyes-wide-open, call-it-like-it-is reality.
So I reached out to family. I flew home for a week to visit my parents and grandmother in New Jersey and my sister in college. I called upon supportive friends in Austin and – for the first time ever – stood up and spoke during prayer time at church(!). I allowed myself to be comforted by my alto sisters who prayed with me – over me – in one of the more powerful experiences of my life. I had a frank and anonymous conversation with a room of strangers and wondered if I would ever have a relationship as good as the one that I had with Yair, as there are so many factors to get right in a solid – let alone glowing – relationship. And yes, I cried and accepted the fact that my usual life forces had been knocked down to “regular human” levels.
Despite being physically and emotionally exhausted, I lit Chanukah candles together with my parents via Skype video and reached out to a friend to celebrate the second night of Chanukah with her family, getting my a** whooped in a game of dreidel with a six-year-old. But all of this is mere background because the reason for this blog post is this:
On the long scooter ride home from the Jewish community to my friend’s house tonight, I sang my heart out (both Jewish and Gospel music). And on that ride, something happened. Because when I got off that scooter and walked into my friend’s house to wish him a happy birthday, I started singing and dancing and presenting myself as a musical telegram. I felt different, and like something had been returned to me. I was strangely overcome with this abundance of puppy energy – giggling and being playful and nurturing my friend and, for a few hours, feeling more myself than I had felt in months.
This experience of – if only briefly – being my old self again makes me know that I’m going to be okay, and it’s an incredible feeling. There will be down moments, but tonight I was given a momentary reprieve from my grieving by being gifted – by having returned to me – my “super human” healing powers, as I never stay in low places for long and I tend to bounce back from things fairly quickly.
A few weeks ago, I watched a KarmaTube video and wrote down the following quote:
“It wasn’t until I let go of the life I thought I should have that I was able to embrace the life that was waiting for me.”
Lord knows that I’m not there yet. I’ve only just begun the process of mourning the life that was taken from me and I shouldn’t yet be meditating on future possibilities; I need to be present in the now. But tonight was a reminder, a timely Chanukah reminder, that though life can sometimes seem dark and throw unpleasant surprises, the light within me is strong and deep and ever-present. And I’m so grateful that it chose to speak up tonight to let me know that it’s still there.
posted by ayo